Jordan Schur File:
Favorite Color: Purple face!
Hobbies: Cheating in cards
Fears: Being unable to cheat in cards (or life)
Regrets: Getting a nose job (it didnt help)
One-on-One with Kiss the Baby:
1. You really fucked up this league from the start, from the drafting time, to the WR situation, how do you still hold onto the commisioner title?
The answer to this is obvious: Because no one else will do it. Ev? Too busy researching electric toothbrushes. Katz? Yea right, when has he evern organized anything? Jim? Ha, kid just bought a puppy for his girlfriend of 2 weeks. Cory? Riiiight, that guy goes on vaca more than Mike scratches his rash. Mike? He doesn't even know the difference between a CB and a safety. Gross? He's about one more Friday night of work from attending therapy weekly. Will? Well, yea Will could it but I don't want him to....need I say more? I'm the only one who will do this so we will do this how I choose to do it. Sunday draft makes sense. Everyone is home. The WR situation was an oversight.
2. When did you stop loving KA?
Well, I'm not sure exactly. Freshman year of college, I was in love. You knew this because my AIM away messages rotated between: “Lunch…KA :)” or “Gym…I heart KA” or “Life without KA = me slitting my wrists.” I’m not really sure when it stopped. Was it when I joined Sig Chi and realized my full potential? No, I think I can pinpoint the exact moment I stopped loving KA: It was when I found that online community of Pick Up Artists. Life began that day. I was a new man and I could conquer anything, or anyone. Bye bye KA! Wanna know how I knew to move with Karen? Well, one day my back was full of bedbugs and Karen was scratching them and I thought to myself? If I don't mind getting bedbugs from Karen, then it must be true. True love. So it was settled.
3. You’ve been accused of cheating hundreds, possibly thousands of times. Actually, you’re quite often referred to as a “cheater.” What led you to this dishonesty? You also try to swindle people with fantasy trades. Do you have a response to these charges?
Some might say I started cheating without even knowing. As a kid, I was just as slow as I am now. But I loved sports. So, I had to cheat to keep up with the Jim Wolf’s of the world. Also, My brother Dustin used to kick the shit out of me in knee basketball. (we would play in my basement, Katz’s was hands down the best player of all time. Man that guy has gone downhill athletically.) I couldn’t take losing, not to mention getting beat up by my brother so I started cheating. And I guess I haven’t looked back. I haven't been able to swindle a trade yet but I have a technique: I give a jab-insult to a fantasy owner about his team. I say, "so you're just going to sit on a non-championship team and not make a move? Sounds like suicide to me. If you change your mind, I'm here." It works sometimes.
4. Can you put these three bands with their proper decade? Gun's and Roses, David Bowie, Velvet Underground?/1990s, 1960s, 1980s?
Nope. No chance. Who are the Velvet Underground? Never heard of them. Sounds like a cupcake! Mmm…Davie Bowie? Is that guy that started going by a symbol? I know Gun’s and Roses tho. It’s on one of my gym mixes but I no idea what decade they're from.
if i had a dollar for every time jordan has tried the "so you're just going to sit on a non-championship team and not make a move?" i'd have about $5. but still...that's enough to buy a footlong!
ReplyDeleteand of course a fat-skinny with no musical knowledge beyond the wiggles would think velvet underground was a cupcake