What is this blog?

This is a chance to get to know the members of "Bunch of Dudes" fantasy league better. This is a chance to see what makes the participants of "Bunch of Dudes" tick. The editorial staff of this blog has tried to ask hard-hitting questions.

We've tried to expose truth covered with shit and puke stained lies! We don't want the glossy answers, the superficial responses, the run-of-the-mill-bottled crap! This blog is about honesty. If cleanliness is next to Godliness than this blog is divine because it's free from speculation, free from fiction and 100% free of libel.

We have conducted an interview with every member of this fantasy group. However, the majority of answers were boring, unprintable, or downright stupid (or some combination of the three). In order to spice up the content, we've used some creative liberties. But we must assure you everything printed from here on out is 100% accurate. Enjoy!

Jimmy "Don't Call me Immy or Timmy the tooth" Wolf

The Naggers
Jim Wolf File:
Favorite Color: Green (like money)
Hobbies: Playing sports with children!
Fears: Being away from Westport for more than a week
Best friend: Lizzie Hayed, duh!

Q: How did you start dating Lizzie Hayes?
JW: What do you mean, how? It just sort of happened. We started dating, she accepts me for who I am, fake teeth and all! She doesn’t mind that I look like a raptor or that I love Westport and Staples Soccer like I love my sister. She likes it all. She likes me. And you know what? I like her.

Q. Alvarez just unearthed a letter you wrote to Nancy in the 9th grade. Here are some good parts: “You [Nancy] are one of my best friends, as you know, and mean a lot to me, you have always been there for me and that means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me and when I say I love you as a sister I really mean that I love you as much as I love my sister, Kyle, I'm not bullshitting you right now.” Do you still feel this way?
JW: Oh man. Geez. I can’t believe Katherine did this? Who searches in their closet for old letters and then takes the time to write them up? I think this is funny. It’s from a long time ago. It’s kewl. It’s ok. But no, I don’t love Nancy like I love Kyle. But this is very funny. Sorta reminds me of the time we were in Mike’s basement freshman year(Katz/Nancy, Me/Alvarez) and we all started making out. Mike was left alone watching. Remember that one Michael? Hehe.

Q: Your father could kick the living shit out of you- how does this make you feel?
JW:I don’t know, my dad is getting a little old. 5 years ago he definitely could have kicked the shit out of me. He’s kinda old now. I don’t think he has it in him anymore.

Q: If you were locked in an apartment, extremely hungry, and unable to order food you had these ingredients and pieces of equipment, how would you make yourself a meal: Water, dry pasta, tomato sauce, one pot, stovetop.
JW: Hehe. Easy. OK, you take the pot, you put the pot on the stovetop, heat it up. Then, once it’s hot, you put the pasta in the pot. Then, you add water to the pot. You let that simmer for a little and then you add the tomato sauce. Presto-Changeo, you got yourself a meal! I still rather eat some fish sticks from McDonalds tho. I get those everytime!

Mathew "I live on the WEST COAST" Curtin

Polar Bear Attack
Matt Curtin
Hobbies: Stats
Favorite outfit: Jeans, black shoes, black button down, sick blazer
Fears: X-box breaking
Favorite Movie: Mad Money!

Q: Video games are fun, right?
MC: Please, act like I’m the only person who plays video games. Every single person in this fantasy league has played video games excessively at one point in their life. Yes, video games are fun and every single person in this fantasy league would agree.

Q. When you went to college, how did you hide your POGS collection?
MC: What the fuck are POGS? I have no idea what you’re talking about. First I’m accused of liking Magic: The Gathering, then I’m accused of collecting some shit I’ve never even heard of. What is this crap? I like sports. This interview is making me out to be a dork on the level of Canella’s freshmen roommate. Or a creep show like Devo’s roommate who had a life-sized poster of Britney Spears in his dorm room. Man that guy was strange, right?

Q. Moving to San Diego was a stroke of genuis, how has it paid off?
MC: It was a good decision. The sun shines a lot. My roommates are total fucking douchbags tho. They’re like combination Yankee front running fan and patetic, woe is me Mets fan. Can you imagine that? I can barely imagine it and I live with it. So I’ll be very happy to move out but not so happy to leave S. Cal.

Q: Your father is a genius surgeon, you're not. Is this a difficult pill to swallow?
MC: How did you know about this? No, it hasn’t been that difficult of a pill to swallow. He doesn’t stick it to me too hard. I know he was pretty happy when I got into business school. So that was cool and all. Wait it’s all? No more questions? Man that was easy. I’m glad you didn’t bring up how amazingly terrible my team is this year. It’s a fucking joke.

Blade "yes, that's my real name" Metzer

Dublin’s Lost Son
Blade File
Loves: Dip
Hates: Easterners
Strengths: Smoking cigs without a jacket on in Zero degree weather
Best Friend: Jordan!

Q:You once said that you wanted to "Jaw" Ian- what was the source of this anger?
Ian used to laugh excessively when someone would joke with me. It was unnecessary. Plus, that kid pisses me off. But we’re all good now. He’s my friend!

Q: If you could watch one member of the fantasy league shit, who would you choose?
That’s an easy question: Doug. He is so well put together. I bet he folds his toilet paper like an Abercrombie t-shirt. Nothing gets by that paper. He’s so clean when he shits, I bet he doesn’t even have to wipe. Just for fun, the last person I would want to watch shit it Katz- can you imagine the dingleberries that have been brewing down there? There must be some from the first Clinton administration.

Q: True or false: you would give up sex for dip?
Man this is sad but true. I’ll put it this way, wait- does jerking off count? If jerking off counts, then no. But if I can jerk off, yes and it’s because I can give up the pussy way easier than I can give up the tobacco…

Q: Scale of 1-10, how much do you thank your lucky stars that Jordan became your friend in college?
10. I love you guys! 4th of July, New Years, my Birthday, they’ve all happened because Jordan barrowed that pencil from me back in Torts Class! I still look back on that day favorably. And you know what? It will be included in my Memoir.

Brian "I dont even deserve an entry" Canella

Wanna Ride Bikes
Brian Cannella File:
Interests: Irish Football
Weaknesses: Falling down and getting hurt while drunk
Fears: Not finding a hat to fit my head
Re-occuring Dream: Being naked in with my pledge brothers.

Q: True or false: you the worst fucking fantasy player ever.
True. I have like maybe 5 minutes to do this interview so be quick at it. GO IRISH

Q: Many of us were amazed that you were accepted into Notre Dame. How did you do it?
Simple: I took the exam, I filled out the application and I submitted it all in a package. I also got some recommendations from my Union Professors. What kind of question is this? GO IRISH

Q: You have a really big head (literally). Does that make life extra difficult?
My Yankees hat is really big. I need a big pillow when I sleep. Because my head is so big, it’s large surface area absorbed the blunt trauma I experience when I fell off a diving board drunk. So I have that going for me, which is nice. GO IRISH

Q: Your fraternity was known for its homoerotic pledging- is there anything you would like to share with us?
No. Well, Alright. We did a lot of our events naked. I didn’t really enjoy it at first. During my freshman year on the soccer team I refused to shower after games because I was embarrassed with my sexuality. But then I joined the frat, and I was forced to become ok with my sexuality. Sure, I looked at Joe Starnes cock way too many times. But luckily, I got Swan’s cock during the elephant walk. So there was a lot of room to maneuver. Go IRISH

Tyson "Dude, I don't have time, I'm a Manager at work" McCabe

2 Brits and a Gonzo
Tyson McCabe File:
Favorite Stance: Legs cross, back leaned against the wall, head tilted, cell phone out, reading text messages
Strengths: Chugging Bottles of liquor
Weaknesses: Chugging Bottles of liquor
One Night Cigarette Record: 2 packs, with each cig lighting the next, during a monologue of epic proportions at Sig Chi


Q: Be honest here, do you think you're now smarter because your girlfriend is so smart?
TM: Ha, ha ha. Ok. Good one. Did you get this question from Cory? Ok well, here’s the thing: Lauren, my level-nine girlfriend, is extremely smart. Not only is she smart in her studies/professional life, she is smart in her personal choices. I’m her first serious, adult boyfriend. So you connect the dots. Wait, sorry, connecting these dots may be too difficult for some of you (Will…Cannella). Yes, I know I’m smarter because my girlfriend is smarter. There’s a reason she chose me, right?
Q: Pet peeves?
Yes. I have several pet peeves. First of all, never, under any circumstances, put your feet on my furniture. I mean, do I come into your house and touch my feet to your pillow? No, I don’t. Who cares if I haven’t washed my sheets in 4 months. Your shoes touched the subway floor. Your shoes will not touch my couch.

Q: Katz and you have been roommates for 3 years, in those three years, how often have you imagined beating his ass?
Daily. At night, I think about it in ten minute intervals. I don’t know what I hate worse, his fucking pathetic morning routine or seeing his face on the couch after coming home from a hard day of work. Could you mention in this interview that I actually hold a manager position? Thanks

Q: Has it been tough you going through life with Devo? I mean he's just as tall, way more athletic, definitely better looking, probably smarter, and has shadowed you from school to college to the real world?
TM: It would have been tough if he weren't such a great guy. It's hard to get upset when someone is so kind to you. But you know what? I was pretty upset during basketball season at Union because Coach would always praise Devo and constantally yell at me and say I was as worthless as a sack of dog shit on the basketball court. But you didnt mention humor and that's what I have! I'm way funnier which should do well later in life!

Zack "Itchy Butt, close to a mental breakdown" Gross

The Shennanajizz
Zack Gross File:
Fears: Doing activities that I'm average-to-below-average at
Strengths: Anything that involves strategy
Hobbies: Does work til 330 am on a Friday count?
Dream: Moving to Manayunk with my Gal and living in harmony.

1. What would have happened if your budget during law school was normal and not 10K a month? How would you have handled life?
OK, first of all, this is not a fair charge. The year before graduation, I used all the money I had made the summer before. Also, it’s fucking Manhattan not Schenectady! How else was I supposed to get by? Was I supposed to like, bargain shop? Eat pasta and beans? Shop at second hand stores? Was I not supposed to go out and tear up the night life up? How was I supposed to study without making study mixes from iTunes purchases? Please, answer me these questions. They're impossible to you answer. You're a moron and have a pterodactyl sized brain. This is a ridiculous accusation. It makes no sense. Also, fuck you!

2. True or false (plus reasoning), you are a pussy-version of your father"
I would say True. He’s a Doctor so his job actually saves people’s lives whereas my job helps faceless corporations stay afloat or prosper. Also, he is still in really good shape, looks fantastic for a man of his age, and gets to do it with my mom. So True! Right guys?

3. Your sister Margaret once told Mike's sister that she loves giving head, what's your response to this?
Is this true? I never heard that. But that’s pretty funny. I wish she was the type of person who could laugh at something like that but she would just walk away. And then tell my mother I said that. But I must admit she has been getting better. My brother in law is cool so he must have rubbed off on her. She recently said that she is happy with being a stay at home mother for several years when they have children which I find crazy. Why spend all that money, effort and time getting a M.D. and not actually be a fucking DOCTOR? Strange.

4. If you were born 50 years ago, how many of your previous girlfriends would have black eye stories from you?
Mmmm…This is a loaded question. One time, when I was just about to have sex with Melanie, she decided that I wasn’t welcome at her place and told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep there. So, I smashed one of her mirrors. Mashed it into many, many pieces. I’m pretty sure that if that took place in 1947 and not 2007, I would have backhanded that slut. But why am I talking about that witch? Sheera’s my little smoochie-munchie-snuggle-bunny!

Matt "Cry Cry, Tear Tear, I don't live in Westport anymore" Katz

Meatloaf Sandwich
Matt Katz File:
Skills: Sitting on the couch
Glory Days: Captain of the basketball team!
Mistakes: Going to University of Maryland
Fears: Moving in with my GF

Q: Tyson says he regularly imagines punching you in the face, what say you to that charge?
MK: Well, I would also be mad if it took 300 calories to just lift my head off the pillow every morning. I would get really mad every time I signed on to Fantasy and saw how terrible my team is year-in year-out. So, I have nothing to say to that charge other than, I understand why he is so angry.

Q: It has been said that you have terrible jokes, what’s your response?
Guilty as charged. I used to fight this. But I’ve given up. I’m afraid to say I’m my fathers son when it comes to humor. Pure Steve Harvey level daddy-jokes. Like, “How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poke her face!” Ha ha.

Q: Meredith is hot. Sammy appears to have mature control of her sexuality. These are just comments, not questions. Oh wait, here’s a question: There was rumor in middle school that you used to practice making out with your sister. True?
MK: Good one. You know whose hot? Prill Boyle and Leslie wolf. Those mom’s are hot. OK I that joke isn’t even funny anymore. Katie Doyle from middle school made that up because I wouldn’t go out with her. So this story is just not true. Why would I make out with my sisters? Anyway, Meredith is having an affair with her married boss. Shh. Don’t tell anyone that.

Q: Did you actually think you could play baseball in the ACC?
MK: Yes. I definitely could of. I know people don’t believe me right now but I could have played very easily. The coach returned one of my phone calls! That’s a guarantee, right? Anyway, it worked out for the best. I did’t really like Maryland. It wasn’t too much fun. Uconn was better- X-Lot! Spring Fling! Kalid El-Amin! Also, I won a state fucking championship booooy!

Doug "I'm entirely too put together for this stupid and pathetic blog" Sonnenshein

Show Me Ur TDs
Doug Sonny File:
Favorite Outfit: Blue button down, freshly pressed chinos, boat shoes
Drink: White Wine
Fears: Living in 90 Lex
Hobbies: Jogging on Beautiful Saturday morning


Q: Doug, do you have any hobbies?
DS: Yes, I do. I enjoy taxes. I enjoying doing my taxes, my girlfriend’s taxes, in fact, I enjoy reading about standard tax procedure. You see, the only truth we have on this earth can be found in numbers. They don’t lie.

Q: How does it feel to date someone Cory used to date?
DS: Wonderful. I can literally do ANYTHING it never comes close to being as bad as Cory was as a boyfriend. Seriously. Early in our relationship I called her Dara (after my Ex) while she was giving me head. I thought I was in serious some trouble. Nope! I apologized and she simply said, “It’s ok baby, I used to date Cory Epstein, this is nothing compared to that!”

Q: If someone gave you a match, a newspaper, and some logs, would you be able to start a fire? DS: That depends. How many matches would I get? Also, what is the wind situation? I did grow up in Manhattan so I’m relatively incapable of doing anything with my hands but I think I could get this going. Oh wait, is the paper the Wall Street Journal? Because I won’t touch anything but the fucking Journal.

Q: How do you picture your marriage proposal?
DS: Great question! I’ve been waiting to tell someone about this but have been too embarrassed. Well, ever since I was a little boy, I have dreamt about getting down on one knee. After years of thinking, re-thinking, and thinking even harder, this is what I have come up with: We’re walking on the beach (preferably in the Hamptons, where else, right?) holding hands. I point to a string/line jutting out from the ocean, I say, “hey babe! Whats that?” She pulls on the string, and out comes a bottle of CHAMPAGNE! (kept cold by the ocean) I say, “strange! How did that get there?” Then, I say, “Oh wait, I think I see something in that tree over there?” We walk over to a tree where I have already hidden some Williams Sonoma champagne glasses. She looks at me and says, “Aww Dougy! What’s this all for?” and that’s when it happens!

William "wah wah I ran a bad time in the marathon" Downey

Touch Screen Tyson
Biggest Rival: Tyson
Athletic Strengths: My reach
Trivia: I went to private school as a kid! Go Greens Farms Academy!
Fears: Being Katz!

Q: When you were in high school, who did you masturbate to?
WD: Usually it was a combination of these three girls: Nancy, Alvarez and Ev’s ex GF Steph Rosza. Sometimes Newberg would get in the mix. I created a new person, in the image of these three (sometimes 4) girls. I called her Nadia. She was kind, quick to agree with any of my arguments, and could run like the wind! I loved her. It’s been awhile since I jerked off to her. Luckily, when this interview is over, I can just roll over in bed and get after it with Nadia since everyone is at work! Yet another benefit of working from home!

Q. When you play poker, do you talk to yourself?
WD: All the time. I also make friends with other players. My (former)best friend uses the avatar of a Mexican Bandito. His player name is The Deuce is Loose! We have fun together. Once, we were having a side chat about the benefits of a pre-flop Big Slick when he asked me if I wanted to video chat with him. I haven’t spoken to him since.

Q: Do you know how to tie a tie?
WD: Nope and I love it. Ties might as well be modern chains. You’re all a bunch of sheep being herded in and out of the slaughterhouse; you just don’t know it yet.

Q: Your sister is way better athlete than you. And your father played basketball at Princeton, what the fuck happened to you?
WD: Excuse me, unlike everyone else in this fantasy league I played REAL college sports. Division 3 sports is the equivalent to ‘Class S’ in Connecticut High School sports. (S = small). Ev claims that he ran track at UPENN but I don’t count pacing dudes at practice as actually being on the team. Gross vomited after 2 minutes of try outs in college as well. Union athletics might as well be Intramurals. Yes, my sister received an athletic scholarship but you are incorrect about my father. He went to Princeton and was the all time leading scoring of his high school that later produced the mutton chopped legend that is Jake Voskuhl of Uconn fame. However, my father he didn’t play varsity sports. But I did. So fuck everyone in this league for being unathletic!

Neal "Don't test me for banned substances cause I would kicked out of this league" Herman

Locker Room Legends
Neal Herman file:
Random Trivia: I'm not of Asian decent
What did you want to be as a child: A flight attendant!
Best Friend: My girlfriend!
Do you Pray: Only when we play the Phils!


Q. You work nights, is that lonely?
NH: Yes. When I walk home from work and the sun is rising, I often feel like anything is possible. But then I step into my apartment and my bed is empty because my girlfriend is gone and I cry. I cry because the bed is cold. I cry because my world is Asia yet my life is in New York. Hi Tyson!

Q. You grew up on Roosevelt Island, how long do you wait before telling people this strange fact?
NH: Depends on who’s asking. If it’s someone who doesn’t know New York or is relatively new to NYC, I’ll tell them and they have no idea where I’m talking about. I bet Zack has no idea where R. Island is. (it’s in the East River you geographically retarted-moron). Hi Blade!

Q. Why do you love baseball stats?
NH: Baseball stats are for true baseball fans. People like Katz, who root for Atlanta AND the Yankees or Mike who became a Philies fan the year they won the World Series, are knee jerk reactionary stupid-faces. They don’t understand the game at all. “Oh I’m Matt Katz! I won a state championship!” Please. It’s Connecticut. Pussiest state the Union. To understand baseball stats, you have to understand the game. And I understand the game. Go Mets! Once we get Reyes back, PHUCK PHILLY and the Yankees. Hi Ev!

Q. Did Doug make his bed every morning when you two lived with each other?
NH: No, that’s a terrible and stupid question. But one time Doug and I drove from Amsterdam back to Belgium and we were the most fucked up you could possibly be. I could have been hospitalized I was so high. It was ridiculous. This question is retarded by the way. Hi Jim!

Ev "Fedora-wearing, Donkey-dick bragging, soon to be sprayed in the eyes with mace" Boyle

Glen Beck TBAG ARMY

Ev Boyle File:
Favorite Activity: Twittering!
Best Characteristic: Enthusiasms!!!
Hero: Mystery from The Pick up Artists
Talents: By far that fastest runner in this league!

Q: Have you ever attempted to suck your own penis?
EB: Yes. Many times but I am physically incapable of doing it right now. I’m fairly sure I could do it with some yoga work. I’m sure I’ve told you about the time my parents were having a large party during my childhood. I went up to bed early (I was young) and started jerking off. The phone rang a couple times but I ignored it – I didn’t want to stop. Turns out it was my parents calling me; the entire party watched me jerk off. This has nothing to do with sucking my own dick but it’s pretty cool.

Q. When you stay up late at night, what do you do?
EB: I reflect mostly. Lot’s and lot’s of reflection. Such as: What is satisfaction? What is quality? How do humans quantify quality? Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance has a wonderful chapter on this very question. I also watch Glenn Beck for some laughs.

Q: Of the women you have slept with, how many have happened because you wooed them on the internet?
EB: Pretty much them all. Most recently, I slept with this lovely young lady named Vanessa Bermudas. She loves Bug Juice and hits me up on the internet ALL THE TIME. So this summer I picked her up from her parents house, drove around, chilled at the beach, went to the diner and then I inserted my penis in her vagina and humped rapidly. She is disgustingly gross. Please don’t look her up on facebook. Also, she’s like 18.

Q. You keep a journal for ‘intellectually stimulating movies," do you really think these are keen observations?
EB: I used to think so. Once in college we smoked some dank ass weed and watched Leaving Las Vegas. I was taking some incredible notes; I was really onto something substantial. Then, Gross and Cory told me Nic Cage’s character was a robot. I looked back at what I had scribbled down and BINGO, perfect sense! Nic Cage must be a ROBOT! It was the only logical explanation! Well let me tell you, Nic Cage’s character is NOT a robot; he just has a Ramone-sized drinking problem.

Cory "I'm smarter, lazier, more interesting and way better at things" Epstein:

All New Big Bang
Cory Epstein File:
Drink of choice: Straight Vodka
Fears: Anything with fur
Favorite Color: White (duh)
Best Friend: Zack Gross!

Q: Please describe your typical Sunday?
CE: Well, I usually wake around 10 am. and I pretty much expect to be yelled at by Carrie. It usually goes something like this: "good morning Cory, thanks for getting me all aroused last night to only to lose your boner.” So that’s usually a kick in the balls. After that, I walk to the bathroom, blow my nose a good 30 times, hit the couch, grab the computer and order some dangerously hot wings. Then I rotate from the couch to the bathroom, the couch to the bathroom, the couch to the bathroom. I usually take around 10 shits On Any Given Sunday! Al Pacino! Sooooo good.

Q: Give us an embarrassing story you will regret telling us?
CE: Mmmm. Alright, got one: I was at work a couple years ago and feeling lousy. Late night the night before; I definitely drank too much. Actually, I remember the night. It was when the OC was still on and it was the day after Marissa had died. I think a part me died with her. I was upset, so I hit the bottle. Anyway, I went to work not feeling well but I was ok, I thought, “I’ve been here before.” Anyway, I got to work, blah blah, had then had to take a shit. Like all of a sudden. I walked/powerwalked/turtle-headed to the bathroom, got in the stall, unbuckled, pulled down my pants and BOOM! I exploded liquid. I was pissing out of my ass. Here’s the problem: I didn’t get my boxers down in time. Soaked. Absolutely soaked with poop water. So I had literally one option (after finishing): I had to take my boxers off and somehow sneak them into the trash without anyone noticing. It proved to be easy but digesting as it was a soaked rag of my shit. Man was that gross. Also, I think I got some poopy water in my pants.

Q. Give us a low point in your life:
CE: Well, this one is easy. Almost too easy. I call this, “Porinoed by Gross,” and it’s a video of Gross fucking his high school sweetheart. Yup, hidden camera. For the record, I did this in the autumn of 2001, way before all these fucking posers started releasing sex videos. Trailblazer! This, in of itself isn’t the low point in my life. The low point is that I jerked off to this video the ENTIRE time I was in London. Which was often.

Q: Do you think you're smarter than everyone?
CE: Seriously, best question I’ve ever heard.
a) In pure statistical terms, yes. When compared to the members of this fantasy group, I have scored higher in every comparable testing category.
b) So mathematically, statistically, quantitatively I’m smarter but I’m also smarter in other senses of the word. I engage better, I argue better, and I make deals like Ev wears his fedora and creeps out girls.
c) Yes, I’m starter than everyone (even Lauren, Tyson).

Purple-Faced, nose jobbed, cheatin', recovered man-whore! KISS THE BABY

Jordan Schur File:
Favorite Color: Purple face!
Hobbies: Cheating in cards
Fears: Being unable to cheat in cards (or life)
Regrets: Getting a nose job (it didnt help)

One-on-One with Kiss the Baby:
1. You really fucked up this league from the start, from the drafting time, to the WR situation, how do you still hold onto the commisioner title?
The answer to this is obvious: Because no one else will do it. Ev? Too busy researching electric toothbrushes. Katz? Yea right, when has he evern organized anything? Jim? Ha, kid just bought a puppy for his girlfriend of 2 weeks. Cory? Riiiight, that guy goes on vaca more than Mike scratches his rash. Mike? He doesn't even know the difference between a CB and a safety. Gross? He's about one more Friday night of work from attending therapy weekly. Will? Well, yea Will could it but I don't want him to....need I say more? I'm the only one who will do this so we will do this how I choose to do it. Sunday draft makes sense. Everyone is home. The WR situation was an oversight.

2. When did you stop loving KA?
Well, I'm not sure exactly. Freshman year of college, I was in love. You knew this because my AIM away messages rotated between: “Lunch…KA :)” or “Gym…I heart KA” or “Life without KA = me slitting my wrists.” I’m not really sure when it stopped. Was it when I joined Sig Chi and realized my full potential? No, I think I can pinpoint the exact moment I stopped loving KA: It was when I found that online community of Pick Up Artists. Life began that day. I was a new man and I could conquer anything, or anyone. Bye bye KA! Wanna know how I knew to move with Karen? Well, one day my back was full of bedbugs and Karen was scratching them and I thought to myself? If I don't mind getting bedbugs from Karen, then it must be true. True love. So it was settled.

3. You’ve been accused of cheating hundreds, possibly thousands of times. Actually, you’re quite often referred to as a “cheater.” What led you to this dishonesty? You also try to swindle people with fantasy trades. Do you have a response to these charges?
Some might say I started cheating without even knowing. As a kid, I was just as slow as I am now. But I loved sports. So, I had to cheat to keep up with the Jim Wolf’s of the world. Also, My brother Dustin used to kick the shit out of me in knee basketball. (we would play in my basement, Katz’s was hands down the best player of all time. Man that guy has gone downhill athletically.) I couldn’t take losing, not to mention getting beat up by my brother so I started cheating. And I guess I haven’t looked back. I haven't been able to swindle a trade yet but I have a technique: I give a jab-insult to a fantasy owner about his team. I say, "so you're just going to sit on a non-championship team and not make a move? Sounds like suicide to me. If you change your mind, I'm here." It works sometimes.

4. Can you put these three bands with their proper decade? Gun's and Roses, David Bowie, Velvet Underground?/1990s, 1960s, 1980s?
Nope. No chance. Who are the Velvet Underground? Never heard of them. Sounds like a cupcake! Mmm…Davie Bowie? Is that guy that started going by a symbol? I know Gun’s and Roses tho. It’s on one of my gym mixes but I no idea what decade they're from.